AIR INDIA TO OFFER IN-FLIGHT FOOT MASSAGES.

In an attempt to compensate for its waining consumer base, Air India is set to offer in-flight foot massages to all guests on long-haul flights.

According to its website, the massages will be offered from July 1st. Pilots and flight attendants will be subject to new Kama Sutra foot massage courses.

The crew will undergo an ancient form of New Delhi Kama Sutra dating back to the Middle Ages.

“It will be purely plutonic with an edge of satisfaction” said Ravesh Jadeja, chief of Corporate Communications.

Air India have been in the news recently with several failed gimmick attempts to lure customers. Last year it was announced that they had singed a partnership deal with fast food outlet Kentucky Fried Chicken to offer and develop KFC restaurants aboard flights. The dell fell through when Air-India refused to serve Chicken Wings.

Air India is taking maximum precaution with its new gimmick. Hand and arm insurance has been taken out. Anti carpal tunnel courses will be given while increased hand movements such as flushing the toilet have been discouraged.

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BARACK OBAMA DENIES BUCKINGHAM PALACE DOWNLOADING RUMOURS

American president Barack Obama has denied illegally downloading the 1989 Oscar-winning film, Driving Miss Daisy, during his stay at Buckingham Palace.

It is believed that Obama, on his recent tour of Europe, downloaded the movie directly after the humiliating toast incident.

Critics believe Obama did so as an act of vengeance towards The Queen while others offer a more logical conclusion.

CNN political strategist David Gergen believes he did so as an act of stress relief. “Single men have methods to cope with stress. It is common knowledge that married men like Mr Obama tend to wind down with a Jessica Tandy film.” said Mr. Gergen.

White House Chief of Communications, Robert Gibbs has dismissed the allegations as being pure ludicrous. ” President Obama simply downloaded the film in an attempt to test the security structure of Buckingham palace. Mr Obama, as a world figure, was simply thinking of the well-being of the British people with such an act. He stands commended by the Queen.”

Obama recently came under fire from NAACP civil rights activists for his positive affiliation towards Driving Miss Daisy. The group further insisted that Obama has done little to increase the number of mainstream African-American actors appearing in black comedies, an election promise of Obama.

This is the possibly the most controversial scandal in American and British relations since George Bush allegedly called The Queen a Toff.

Further rumours that Obama purchased Primark underpants are said to be grossly untrue.

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CHUCK NORRIS INSPIRES SURGE IN ONLINE MORTICIAN COURSES

Since the recent exploits of the Navy Seals in Pakistan, online mortician courses have experienced an enrollment surge, according to deadline.com

“It is rumoured that course numbers have increased by as much as 65%.” said Iowa Senior Mortician, Morg Morgan

Courses range from 6 months to 3 years depending on weather part-time or full-time employment is sought.

The course is open to everyone over the age of 16. It is not available to members of the public who have been convicted of a sex crime.

We do not discriminate, however, we fear these individuals will be tempted with acts of necrophilia.

Network executive Chris James attributes the recent success to that of seal team 6. He added that several online mortician courses paid for sponsored advertisements during a recent screenings of Chuck Norris action movies from the 1980’s.

Critics feel that citizens subliminally responded to the success of seal team 6 by registering for the courses.

These sentiments were echoed by Morgan, “ We are dead sure that the sponsorship of Chuck Norris films are responsible for the increase.

DISCLAIMER: PLEASE NOTE THE ABOVE ARTICLE IS A WORK OF FICTION INTENDED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSE ONLY.

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DUREX TO RELEASE KIM CHI CONDOM IN KOREA

Condom manufacturer Durex is set to release a Kim Chi themed condom in Korea within the next few months.

“Kim chi, a popular Korean side dish known to be consumed by numerous Koreans daily, will add a marketing and consumer appeal never before witnessed in the Asian market ,” said Durex Asia group executive Andrew Wang.

It is believed that initial samples will be given out in selected restaurants with orders of any meal containing the popular ingredient.

Market research has shown that more taste is needed in the bedroom. The French have snails. Korea now have Kim Chi themed Durex.

It is hoped that if the condoms become popular sellers then it could lead to a worldwide kim chi condom phenomenon.

There are strong and erect rumours that Durex intend to release a burrito condom in Mexico, while in England, the intention is for a fish and chips theme. Production is still in the early stages.

Larger sizes will also be produced to appeal to the broad foreign community with the peninsula.

The release date remains uncertain but Andrew Wang did liken the production of the condom to that of the Apple Ipad. “The Ipad revolutionized technology. The Kim chi condom will do the same for the bedroom experience.”

“Pre-release orders having been quite satisfying but we hope to achieve a sales climax during holiday periods”, said Bing Won hee, Durex, Korea’s head of corporate sales and branding.

Rumours are strife that celebrities including Charlie Sheen, Kim Jong Il and Bear Grylls have all placed orders.

DISCLAIMER: PLEASE NOTE THE ABOVE ARTICLE IS A WORK OF FICTION INTENDED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSE ONLY.

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MALEMA DENIES BONO VALENTINES’ DAY RUMOUR.

Embattled politician Julius Malema has denied reports of a reported Valentines’ date with U2 frontman, and known political activist, Bono.

According to reports, Malema and Bono are scheduled to attend a screening of the Valentine’s day Romantic comedy: No Strings Attached.

It is rumoured that Malema dipped into ANC Youth League funds to purchase R20 000 ( $3000) worth of red roses in an attempt to woo Bono on the date. Sources say Bono was impressed with the gesture and immediately agreed to the date.

Both celebrities are said to be big fans of romantic comedies. It is no secret that Malema recently paid a hefty sum on Ebay for an original wig worn by Julia Roberts in Pretty Women.

Bono recently came out in support of Malema’s use of the anti-apartheid song “Kill the farmer, Kill the Boer.” Several critics reacted with anger to Bono’s controversial statement.

Local singer Steve Hofmeyr is said to be so psychologically disturbed that he now believes he is Neil Diamond.

“Both celebrities are of high-grouding and stature brought together by a common care of humanity. The date does not surprise me,” said: Sicobo Gwaka, lecturer at Durban Technology Studies.

Others have been less supportive. “It is weird. Aren’t these guys married?” said Ron Brown, a retired Ladysmith history lecturer.

Both camps continue to deny rumours however Bono seemed to add fuel to the fire requesting a PDF copy of the menu of local restaurant outlet: Chicken Licken.

DISCLAIMER: PLEASE NOTE THE ABOVE ARTICLE IS A WORK OF FICTION INTENDED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSE ONLY.

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JUSTIN BIEBER TO STAR IN DIRTY DANCING REMAKE: IN 3D.

According to Hollywood Reporter, Justin Bieber has singed on to star in a remake of Dirty Dancing.

Details have yet to be released, but according to sources close to the singer, Bieber will co-produce, write,and star in the remake which made Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey both household names.

The movie is likely to be released in 3D. No director has been named, however several moguls were said to be so impressed with his behind-the-scenes camcorder work on the recent production of “Never Say Never” that there is a solid possibility that he could even take the reins.

It is rumoured that Bieber often likens himself to Swayze. Both appealing to generations through, what many call a masculine maturity.

A young admirer, Kimberly, a middle schooler, from Wisconsin said: “He might be 16, but he is cool and neat for his age. Sometimes I think he is 25.

Age never seems to be a factor with Bieber. He seems to transcend boundaries with his ability to reach a wide variety of audiences. It is not uncommon to see a 9 year-old girl cheering next to a 27-year-old male fan.

Producer Robbie Long did comment. He said that the working title will be Dirty Dancing 2012 (3D). He further added that they are looking at a Summer 2012 release date, possibly July 4th holiday weekend.

Long had this to say of Justin: He is a natural choice for the role, we were looking for a modern-day individual who has a deep understanding of love and romance. Listening to his songs, he exudes a natural empathy towards feminine sensitivity.

Asked whether he would also redo the hit song ‘Time of my life”, Long commented: ‘Justin is keen to add a modern-day feel to the song. There is a strong possibility that it will be produced as a rap single.

It seems as if men such as Swayze and Bieber are modern-day icons of the alpha-male persona.

Suave and sophisticated: Watch out James Bond.

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