Students Arrested for Selling Homosexual Lawn Grass

DES MOINES: Several students in Des Moines, Iowa have been arrested for allegedly selling homosexual lawn grass.

The arrest comes after several men started to complain of unusual and unnatural feelings for the same sex.

The special grass, a unique herb extract, from the Mayan plantations in Pinan, Peru, is set to cause these unwanted desires when an individual is exposed to the grass for more than one hour.

Copious amounts of different symptoms have been reported.

A unknown man from Youngstown, Ohio, is believed to have eloped to Las Vegas with his plumber after both were exposed to the grass. They were last seen exchanging rings at an Elvis Presley wedding and Bingo hall.

Another man was arrested at a local laundromat after he started flirting with the washing machines. This incident is not believed to be related.

Brokeback Mountain has surged to the top of Amazon.com blu-ray sales in Des Moines while the local mayor has applied for a local referendum
on gay marriage.

At the moment, police are urging citizens to be on the lookout for people who emit forms of unnatural erotic behavior.

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United Nations Approves Rectum Printing Identification.

GENEVA -The United Nations has unanimously given  approval for Governments to introduce a new form of personal identification known as rectum printing at an annual meeting in Geneva, Switzerland.

Rectum printing involves taking a digital photo of the anus. It replaces the outdated and unreliable finger printing system.

Under the new system, citizens of United Nations member countries will have to report to a local Government office where a digital anal print will be taken.  “It will be a simple procedure. An individual will photographed with specially supplied ski-pants, similar to those worn in the Tour De France. The digital print will then be added to passports and local forms of identification. “, said Bill Stanfield, a spokesman for the UN.

Several international NGO groups are in uproar over the proposal claiming a possible infringement of civil liberties.

Under the new system, individuals will have added benefits. Users will be able to log into Facebook or their IPAD by simply placing the device under the buttocks.

Each rectum print will have a unique signature. Digital seats will be installed at airports to scan travelers and law enforcement agencies can make use of the anal prints for Cold Case files.

Digital monitors will also be added to public toilet seats to monitor for individuals who fail to flush the toilet. This is in line with a new United Nations resolution highlighting the sub-standard sanitation of global public toilets.

It is believed the idea developed after a proposal from former La Law television actor Corbin Bernsen. He was not available for comment.

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MAN ADMITS INTIMATE RELATIONS WITH APARTMENT

An unknown man from Wisconsin, yesterday admitted to rumors of having intimate relations with his apartment.

The man, it is believed, committed the act, by placing his private part between a sliding door partition, in the middle of the apartment.

Complaints were first received when neighbors alerted authorities to strange yelling and shaking sounds coming from the apartment.

At first, it was thought, that the man was watching the Discovery Channel. Upon closer inspection, witnesses concluded that a strange act was occurring.

The man is currently under police arrest as they are viewing this as an act of soliciting a prostitute due to him being a renter of the apartment.

The arrested man is due to be sent for psychological evaluation. It is believed that the attraction for the apartment initially developed due to constant feelings of arousal for light fittings , plug switches and a vintage stove.

Further rumors that the man believes buying the apartment is a dowry for marriage, have yet to be confirmed.

This is not the first case of unusual relations. A South Korean man recently wed a pillow figure of a Japanese Anime character.

“This is the first known case of a human person being sexually attracted to any form of physical building.” said Wilton Polowski of Wisconsin Police Department.

DNA tests have yet to confirm whether or not a condom was used.

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KOREAN GOVERNMENT SET TO OFFER FREE CHEWING GUM TO ELDERLY

The Korean Government of Lee Myung Bak has announced that beginning 2012, all elderly citizens over the age of 60 will receive free chewing gum.

Critics have labelled the move as pure politics in an attempt to woo old age voters towards the Grand National Party ahead of Next years elections. Others view the decision as one of considerable patriotism.

It is believed that several ajummas are currently in secret training ahead of the 2012 World Chewing Gum Championship to be held in Havana, Cuba.

It is furthermore believed that these ajummas will initially attempt to break the Guiness world record of sound by holding a mass ajumma chewing session at Seoul World Cup soccer stadium.

All those who participate will receive a free gold melon and a sun visor cap. A record attendance is expected.

A mini movie theater will show Dokdo Island documentaries and Kim Chee will be sold in popcorn containers.

A spokesman for President Lee said” The free chewing gum provides a financial relief to the elderly. Any notion of political nepotism is firmly rejected by the President. The Lee administration further insists that the chewing gum will help with jaw exercise and therefore reduce the risk of arthritis by at least 37%. ”

President Lee was not directly available for comment as he is currently on vacation sightseeing at an anonymous herbal farm.

 

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ROMNEY: I WAS DUPED ON HEALTH CARE ISSUE.

” I was duped on the issue of Universal health care”.

These were the words uttered by Mitt Romney yesterday as he attempts to rebuild and solidify his public image in his bid for the republican presidential nomination.

Romney claims that he does not support Universal health, an issue which the Obama administration vehemently does. Critics argue how he can put forward such an argument having already singed and supported Universal Health care while serving as Governor of New Hamsphire.

The dupe, Romney claims, is that he believed he was singing a state health care policy for the workers of Universal film studios.

Critics are giving serious thought to his argument as it is common knowledge that Romney owns all of the Fast and Furious films on Blu-ray, a franchise owned and distributed by Universal studios.

Romney further added.” It’s not like I read everything I sign.”

Romney is no stranger to controversy. He is often mocked from his early years when he would dress up as waiter and knock on people’s doors carrying only a briefcase.

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MAN VS WILD EPIDEMIC: SEVERAL ADMITTED TO MENTAL INSTITUTION

“Scores of citizens in the city of Sofia, Bulgaria were said to be admitted to a local mental institution, in what is being described as a strangely bizarre epidemic known as: Man VS Wild Syndrome.

In reference to the popular Discovery Channel television show featuring Bear Grylls, sufferers allegedly think they are Bear Grylls himself. They suffer delusions which leads to attempted reenactments of survival techniques from the show in their household environments.

“It is endangering people’s lives.” said Aleksandar Arnost, a local reporter covering the events.

There have been conflicting reports of what kind of behavior has occurred.

A local plumber nearly suffocated after attempting to sleep inside his washing machine, convinced he was deep in the mountains of Borneo.

In another incident, a stock broker, striped his Lexus automobile of all its parts.He then proceeded to ignite his mother-in-laws mahogany tea cabinet, with the aid of the car battery.

The man later claimed that he needed fire against the cold of the Alaskan mountains.

In a recent incident, an elderly lady attempted to use her false teeth to open a can of baked beans. Sources say this is unrelated to Bear Grylls syndrome.

A local man, who wished to remain anonymous is extremely perturbed by recent events. He had to witness his wife attempt to make a camp in their lounge with an imported Harrods shower curtain.

“At the moment events seem to be under control”, said Slavin Slone, a spokesman for the Bulgarian Government. He has urged the public to remain vigilant and on to be on the lookout for possible symptoms that he calls sudden desires.

A sudden desire to watch or download episodes of the hit 80’s TV series Macgyver. A sudden desire to get a Richard Dean Anderson haircut. A sudden desire to absail down the side of your house by unusual means. A sudden desire to purchase a pocket knife or any form of survival equipment

“At the moment, the metal institution is off-limits to the public however we do hope it becomes a tourist attraction within one year.” added Slone.

The Government will be accepting tenders from next month.

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RON PAUL BLOW-UP DOLL ON SALE NEXT WEEK.

Republican presidential hopeful Ron Paul, is gearing up for a state tour of California to promote a new life-sized blow-up doll of himself.

The 74 year-old Paul is hoping the doll will appeal to liberals in the Democratic party, support that he will need to further his presidential fantasies. Sources close to Paul confided that he is specifically targeting the gay vote and viewers of Jersey Shore, two demographics where Paul has failed to make in-roads.

Paul is taking a risk releasing an adult themed toy: Several conservatives are said to be highly reconsidering their position on Paul. It is believed that he has the backing of the controversial TEA party. It is rumored that several members, drinking cups of Earl Grey, hand sowed a prototype for Paul.

The doll is being marketed and manufactured Poshco. Poshco is the  infamous production company who recently sued Dreamworks over copyright infringement regarding its animated hit:”How to Train Your Dragon.” They claimed the title and theme were similiar to a 1989 Mexican sex education video Cómo Entrenar el Dragón( How to Train the Dragon), that was produced by the company.

Poscho CEO Linda Bubbles insists that the utmost discretion and quality control has been taken in the design:” The doll is a replica of Ron in his early 50’s, a time when he was known to be in the prominence of his sex appeal.

Paul will make guest appearances next week signing copies of the doll at numerous adult toy shops around Las Angeles Metropolitan area.

“Many fail to comprehend the hordes of mail and female admirers that Paul has. The doll is an avenue for his followers, old and new, to express their extreme fondness of him.” He’s a political genius”, said CNN political analyst Paul Begala.

Several Facebook pages support his supposed status as a  sex symbol. Many liken him to a modern day Sean Connery or Marlon Brando.

Rumors that Paul is set to do a cover for Men’s Health magazine have yet to be confirmed or denied.

The doll is available nationwide from next week Tuesday.

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